Is is Hot In Here?

Please excuse the following stream of unconsciousness. Yesterday I was at the mall and I had my first hotflash and I lost my IPhone. I was passing The Brighton Store and I saw my old musical theater friend Ann Winkowski was working so I decided to stop in and say hi. Instead I said, “Is it hot in here?” At that point I started taking off any extra layers of clothes I had on and my boots. Ann took pitty on the half naked barefoot woman in her store and to get me out of view got me a chair and some water in a pretty bottle while I kept saying, “What does a hot flash feel like? What does a hot flash feel like?”. Since my heart was racing and sweat was pouring down my chest and neck I was pretty sure I was either having a hotflash or a flashback. but since I wasn’t hallucinating I deicied on hotflash. I was actually kind of excited. Hooray! The beginning of the end! Luckily I was sitting next to a basket full of flip flops so I put some on and handed Ann my credit card. I couldn’t find my phone so I went to take all my bags to the car and see if it was there. It was not and Ann came running after me to tell me I had left my card in the store and forgotten to sign the slip…..ok.

Then began the search for my phone. I staggered from cosmetic counter to cosmetic counter to see if I had left my phone with any of the heavily made up women who had so kindly shown me the latest products for aging skin. (Yes I bought them.) But, no luck. Gone. When I called the phone someone had turned it off and the locate my IPhone button was off as well. I hope you are happy whoever you are that has my phone. Enjoy the photos of the Chinese kid!
I really wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. It seemed funny in a sad pathetic, oh shit I’m old now kind of way. Don was at a business lunch meeting with a writer he is working with so I went by to see if we could locate my phone with his. From Don’s point of you I lurched to the table and said “I lost my phone and had a hot flash!” I apparantly looked like a crazy woman as confirmed by Don’s lunch partner who thought I was an insane out of work writer come over to hit Don up for a job and a new phone. Sometime during the hysterical retelling of my time at the mall he realized I was Don’s wife and I could see the look of pity in his eyes. Poor Don. I used his phone to call my number and someone picked up! Ah Ha!
Me: You have my phone!
Man: Excuse me?
Me: You have my phone!
Man: Who is this?
Me: Who is THIS?
Man: What? What number are you calling?
Me: Mine.
Man: What?
Me: You have my phone!
Man: What is your phone number?
Me: (I tell him accusingly)
Man: That is not the number you called.
I check
Me: Sorry.
At this point I put my hand in my head and laid down on the table. Don had his hand over his mouth and the poor younger writer sitting across from him decided at that moment to either never marry or become gay. I can’t blame him. You think I would be embarrassed by this kind of behavior, but much to my family’s dismay I am not.
Last week I also mailed a thank you note to my friend Donna and I had stopped writing in the middle of a sentance and mailed it to her. I also mailed a note to my friend Karen with just her name on it and no address. Today I slept 5 1/2 hours fully dressed on my bed and everytime I tried to wake up it was like I had taken to many xanax on a cross country flight. I also forgot to pick the kids up from school today and I want to drink my weight in diet coke.
Sorry I am not going back over this to edit it. It won’t help and I already forgot I wrote it.


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