I. Will. Write. A. Blog. Post. Today. Blog, blog, blog, post, post, post. We are finishing our fourth week of quarantine and here is what I have not yet accomplished. I have not learned Spanish. I have not practiced the piano. I have not written a single word. I have not exercised even though every single friend of mine is teaching an on-line ballet or yoga class. I have not started to eat well. I have only read one book. Here is what I have accomplished. I clean the house (a lot). I troll the inter- webs for food and toilet paper. I go to the Jack-In-The-Box drive through to get a diet coke a few times a week and sit in my car. I am cleaning up at Candy Crush. I tell myself every day that tomorrow I will begin doing all the things that are on the first list. It’s the same day after day. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. Except for my hair. I hardly ever wash my hair.
Therefore, I feel guilty everyday. When this thing started I thought it would be the perfect time to create something, to build something, to DO anything. Did you know Shakespeare wrote King Lear during The Plague? Fuck Shakespeare. I’m no Shakespeare.
This is not my time to create. I can barely concentrate when sorting the laundry. I am tired of feeling bad about myself so I need to change my expectations. It does not feel like a growing or expanding time to me. This is the time to simmer. It’s the time to put the creativity soup on the back burner and let it stew slowly for awhile. It’s the time to sit in my backyard and watch the much needed rain soak my plants. It’s the time to make my husband and daughter watch “Enchanted” when neither one of them wanted to and then they enjoyed it. It’s the time to check in on my family and the people I care about. It is the time to stay healthy. That does mean I have to exercise but not because I think I’m fat but because if I do get sick I want a working cardio- vascular system to help me get well. It’s the time to enjoy preparing and eating food. It is not the time of deprivation it is the time of preservation and if that means cookies so be it.
It sounds strange, but I don’t want this to end and feel like I missed it. I don’t want to feel I spent so much time yelling at myself for not writing a novel that I missed the entire point of this quarantine which I believe is- STOP. Stop doing business as usual. The way I have been living is not sustainable. The way our country has been operating is not sustainable. How we have separated from the world is not sustainable. How I have separated from Spirit is not sustainable. The best way to reconnect is not to force myself to learn Spanish (although that will come in handy when I can once again register voters). I think, for me, now is the time to dig deep, to really rest and to begin a pursuit of mental and physical health from the inner most part of me instead of from the constant chatter in my brain. Granted a lot of that chatter is really funny but most of it is not worth writing down.
No more to do lists. There will be plenty of time for that someday. However, if you want to write a book, or play the piano, or learn Spanish please do! I’m just giving you permission not to if you’d rather be staring out the window. Blog. Post. Finished.