I had every intention of going through menopause naturally. I envisioned myself cheerfully attending yoga classes while carrying a beautiful Japanese fan to breeze away my hot flashes. I would meditate and express gratitude to my Eastern Medicine Practitioner and Herbalist as she guided me through the “change of my sacred body”. This was the plan until I actually hit menopause. After a few weeks of sweating and plotting the disappearance of my family I threw the effing fan in the trash along with my bottle of Blue Cohosh and called a Western Doctor with a prescription pad. Even though I am not officially in menopause yet I am getting pretty close and I am proud to say that except for an estrogen patch, progesterone cream, Zoloft and Wellbutrin I have dealt with menopause completely naturally as planned! Fine, I caved, but it was a choice between taking hormones and anti depressants or behaving in a way that would become the lead story on The Nancy Grace Show and then having someone option my sordid tale and make it into a Lifetime movie. So there you have it. I am completely medicated but on the other hand I have not murdered anyone.

I do occasionally have insomnia. I am told this is quite normal for a woman “of a certain age” yet it makes things difficult when you are “of a certain age” and you still have to get your stupid kids to school on time.   I have tried everything from lavender to hot baths and nothing really helps. Believe it or not I do draw the line at sleeping pills like Lunesta or Ambien. First of all I am highly sensitive to those kinds of drugs and probably wouldn’t wake up for days. Mostly, I won’t take them for fear of getting up and eating in the middle of the night. People do that! I’d much rather be tired than fat. I have spoken to my entire staff of medical providers and drug dealers about this and it was suggested by a doctor that when I was having trouble sleeping I should watch the Weather Channel on TV. I do not recommend this at all. Due to Climate Change (and yes it exists) the once calming Weather Channel is now a horrifically stressful recounting of storms, floods, droughts, fires and death. I, for one, do not find this conducive to a good nights rest. One night a couple of weeks ago I was searching for something a little less frightening to watch than the weather and stumbled across the Gem Network. Filling the screen was a turntable full of fabulous jewelry in all it’s well lit for television glittering glory. Upon seeing this my pupils began to dilate, my breathing became shallow, and I dropped the remote. It is the best thing I have ever seen on television-ever. You can call in and ask to see a piece from the turntable of wonder and a model will put it on and show it to you close up as the host gives you “A price so low they are probably going to fire me!” Then they either sell it quickly or move on to another piece so it moves very fast and you get to see a lot of items unlike QVC that shows the same stuff forever. I can’t tell you how much I love this network and some nights even when I am sleepy I force myself out of bed so I can watch. It is my dirty little secret and kind of like fine jewelry pornography. I find myself thinking things like, “Oh my God show me that one! That’s right baby slip that ring on your finger so I can see the size. Now move it for me so I can really see it, slower… slower. There you go! Jesus! I can take it anymore! Those are so big! Are those real? Yes! Yes! Yes!”

I am not proud of this but it makes me happy, eventually bored and sleepy (like real porn) and luckily I don’t buy anything. I’m more of a voyeur or what the host would call a jewelry tease. I understand if you judge me so before you do I challenge you to turn on The Gem Network and try to look away. Especially after they get to the rock hard bottom prices.  Pretty soon you’ll know what I’m talking about. You’ll be feeling all tingly and you’ll be screaming my name. Don’t be afraid, that’s right, I know you want it.