Happy Halloween

I don’t like Halloween.  To me it is just a dark portal I must go through to get to the good holidays where you get turkey and presents.  To prove I have always felt this way I present the following excerpt from Letter’s to David, a soon to be finished play I have been working on for only twenty years.
Written by DeAnne to David
October 1990
The entire month of October I am starring in the role of Magician’s Assistant #3 in a tacky magic show at Knott’s Berry Farm’s Halloween Haunt. The magician is a 22- year -old kid and unfortunately, for him, assistants numbers one and two are old like me and almost as bitter. I’m pretty sure we are terrorizing him but at least now he has learned things like “never give me a fucking note on stage”.  These lessons we are teaching him will last a lifetime.  He really should be thanking us.  In the opening number I am revealed out of a box dressed like something out of the Thriller video.  The problem is I have a wee bit of clausterphobia so I always leave the fake door in the back of the box where we are hidden cracked just a little. So far, no one has noticed.  After the three of us “ghouls” are revealed we then proceed to do the “funk dance number”. It’s pretty sad because I am not usually funky and am even less so in a rubber head. I HATE being dressed as a ghoul. I find it repulsive. I don’t want to be ugly. I was always a princess or a ballerina for Halloween except for 1967 when I was Davy Jones from the Monkees .  At any rate, for the rest of the show I lucked out and I just go change into a tight black dress and point at stuff pretending to like magic.  Poor Linda has to wear a lovely costume with knives and blood oozing out of her head and Renee has to wear an ugly witch costume before they change into their black dresses and join me in the land of Ta Da! Last night when The Kid was sawing Linda in half something went wrong and he just waved his arms madly over the box as if he were casting a spell and then walked off leaving Linda, in half, alone on stage smiling at the audience until the curtain closed on her head.  It was the best ever.  The worst part of this whole thing is I have to walk through the park to get to and from the theater where I try to dodge the 500 people Knott’s hired to dress like gross, mutilated, bleeding, oozing, deformed zombies …many of whom do not need make-up.  It really bothers me. Wasn’t anyone else a princess?                       (end of letter)

2006 Don and the cutest duck ever.

This makes the twenty-third Halloween I have had to suffer through since I wrote that letter and since Addie is only eight I guess I have a few more.  Right now said eight-year-old is yelling at me to come curl her hair. Tonight she is going to be an Arch Angel.  Not regular old cherubim or seraphim but Arch Angel with a tiara.  No halo for her. No kidding.

Once a Princess…..

Earlier this year I posted that I was finished hating myself and the way I looked.  Many people thought that post Je Suis Finis was a suicide note, but I assure you I never wanted to die, but I did want to off the self loathing sad part of me. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to accomplish this Herculean task at the time, but I meant it.  I had tried to start “eating better” and “exercising more” many times to no avail.  It was too hard.  It took too long.  What was the point?  I decided to try a different approach and last March I signed up to participate in The Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. I found the training schedule on line and I started doing it.  I had to do it because I didn’t want to collapse somewhere on the streets of Santa Barbara and be carried off to the medical tent to get an I.V.  Wait, that did happen anyway, except I walked all the way to the finish line and into the medical tent myself. Take that! Anyway, I started slowly, a few miles at a time.  After a few months I added Bikrim Yoga to my training, which is hot yoga which sucks and I love it.  I was working out harder than I had in years and I started feeling better and better.  And, I started losing weight.  Here’s the thing though…I wasn’t doing any of this to lose weight. (Although I’m not stupid I knew that would happen.) Instead, I did this to challenge myself and to raise money for a really good cause. I was not working out because I was hideous and need to fix myself. How could anyone do that for very long? I was taking care of myself by training and eating well to accomplish a goal that wasn’t only about me.  I have only lost about 12 pounds, but I feel so good I don’t care. I am not going to look like I did when I was 20, 30, or even 40, but I look great for me at 50, 51…..whatever.

Gaby, Addie and Sofie

Speaking of Princesses. Last night was Halloween and Addie was a Princess and Sofie was Ke$ha. I’m so proud. I have been a Princess for Halloween every year except twice.  In 1966 I was Davy Jones from the Monkees (RIP) and in 8th Grade some friends an I all decided we would be Circus Performers. At school on Halloween as I was stood among the clowns, acrobats, and lion tamers, they all glared at me and asked what my gown, fur coat and tiara could possibly have to do with the circus.  I told them I was the owner.  This year I wore a crown like I always do on Halloween and I made Don take my picture like I always do on Halloween. When I looked at the picture I was surprised when I didn’t see a young beautiful circus owner, Miss Brea, or Cinderella.  Instead I saw who I am now,  a crazy lady in a crown, but I liked it. I like how I look right now really for the first time in my life and please God I hope it lasts.

Crazy Lady Wearing Crown and Obama Pin

So now that I have been feeling good about myself for about ten minutes I feel completely qualified to tell you how you too can be as fabulous as I.

1.Thinking you are ugly all the time is still thinking about yourself all the time and is still self absorbed so start thinking about how you can help others.

2.  Have a goal to be strong and feel better.  (Not to lose weight).  Take baby steps, be kind to yourself and don’t quit when it gets hard.

3. Make sure the goal is not too easy or too difficult but make sure it is convenient.  For me the La Canada trails and Bikrim are right outside my door.  Well, not right outside my door because that would be weird, but you get the point.

4. Buy yourself a crown and wear it. Trust me this really helps

Lastly, remember medical science is going to keep us alive probably until we are one hundred and we will want to have the strength to get out of bed and walk at least as far as the kitchen. Now that is a good goal.