I am in Portland by myself and I have come to find myself. This is the fourth time I have come to Portland in the last three years. I like it here but maybe I should start looking for myself somewhere else because I can’t seem to find anything here but coffee and books. Don and I were talking the other day and to paraphrase, because he said it nicer, “There is nothing to you anymore. You just react to whatever is going on.” It didn’t even make me mad because he is correct and like I said he said it nicer. I feel like a mouse (a really cute one) and Don and the kids are cats that bat me back and forth across the floor and I am just waiting in fear until they tire of the game and pounce on me and eat me.
I am not sure why I don’t have much sense of self. It doesn’t help that my kids are very difficult and extremely willful. They will never be mice and I admire that about them. I want my girls to, as CEO Cheryl Strayhan says to “lean in”, but they are leaning in so much they are knocking me over. My fault not theirs.
I have realized that the times in my life I was the most content and felt the best were times I was on the road or living out of the country. Hence my need to travel alone now to try to recreate that feeling. It was so simple and straightforward. I just went to work and went home. I couldn’t look for another job. I was not worried about paying bills. I felt more secure being who I was because no one really knew me. I was a stranger in a strange land already different so it didn’t matter. The only problem I ever had to deal with was the occasional producer who would ask me to work on my “attitude problem”. Whatever.
Now, how to recreate the feeling of well being and sense of self in my own world. The only thing I seem able to recreate easily is the attitude problem. Whatever. I’m not sure how I am going to do this but you can be sure I will let you know when I figure it out and I will pontificate about how you should do the same thing. On that subject, never listen to anything I say. Example: do not go off your anti-depressants or throw away your bathroom scale, at least not at the same time. It was a really bad idea. Whatever.
You are a beautiful, wild, wise and loving woman….fun and sassy, vulnerable and strong! I have known this all along, and I know it now! I hold that vision, as you swim in the cauldron…re-membering. I Love You